“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Ferrari squats
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.