It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.