“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me when I’m ovulating
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.