Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.