“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Does this dress make me look cat?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head