“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
You Might Also Like
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that