It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
