It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
