It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc