*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
She was REALLY feeling it.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me My dog
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The devil.