@pinningnut

It’s a dark stormy night.
You’re scared & alone.
You hear a bump in the night.
You jump!
You scream!
Then your cat comes in the house drunk.

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@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@MomofTeen

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@wsforbes

I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@Gre_Gone

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@HatfieldAnne

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

@AnkCoupleTO

Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter