It’s a dark stormy night.
You’re scared & alone.
You hear a bump in the night.
You jump!
You scream!
Then your cat comes in the house drunk.

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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.


I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.


I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.


“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]


Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.


Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist


At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter