It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Oceanography is all about current events
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly