It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Did my cat write this
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?