It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I am patiently waiting for your email
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.