It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack