“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu