“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Is your wife single?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner