It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…