It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?