Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!
Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[creating the Minotaur]
Zeus: you want a bull centaur?
Zeus: but pissed off all the time?
Zeus: *thinks a while* so let’s just give it the front half of the bull.
Zeus: like a hairy Ken doll
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.