It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My love language is hissing.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.