Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up