8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
#oldknees
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.