Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.