It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room