Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.