It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Every time.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Spring of Deception
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.