It’s a gift
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Happy Thanksgiving
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.