“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’m calling the cops.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations