“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know