“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
me after drinking all the wine:
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.