“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.