“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
when you don’t want to be too vague
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Saturday
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
