It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
