It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
