Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.