Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”