Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.