Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids