It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
on da cob, we all corn