Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

A leaf blower, but for people.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress