It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.