It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.