It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.