It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.