It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
You got this…
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
step 6: release the wall snake
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.