It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.