It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
You Might Also Like
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Cndnsd Mlk
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap