It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
#Caturday
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???