It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I occasionally drink every single night.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
