Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

synchronized noseblowing

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

Seas the day!!!!

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..