It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
wishing you and yours all the best
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him