Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

gender is a sprctrum

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”