its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
That took me a moment.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
some things should go without saying
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me :
All Day At Night
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.