Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

secret recipe

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.