Its a hippotatomus
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don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Running your mouth is not cardio.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.