Its a hippotatomus
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.