Its a hippotatomus
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Hi everyone,
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NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.