Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

The French word for sex is croissant.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

I hate my earbuds.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…