It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
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Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.