It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
You Might Also Like
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Liquor Store Parking
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
me irl
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.