It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.