It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My circle of trust is a meatball
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
i meant to share this earlier
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
i just found this in my phone
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.