It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.