Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
so much to do
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Oh yeah that’s it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.