Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

pls suprot

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved