Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.