It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
