It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
