Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

And now we wait

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Happy Caturday!

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Brands during Pride

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

This checks out

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening