It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
saving face 👀
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
found this cool rock hiking today
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
