Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Spring of Deception

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.