IT’S-A ME,
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I am going to be nice from now on. Yes, I will be nice.
Right after this exorcism?
I will be nice.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”