“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
You Might Also Like
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.