“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
This meal prepping shit is easy
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”