Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

twitter is a journey

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.