It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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Chicken bread
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I only treason on days ending in y
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Lmfaoooooo
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*