Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

me irl

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.