My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
couldn’t resist
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?