It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*