It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.