It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN