It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Coffee for people with no kids
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*